Reading: The Three Musketeers/Alexandre Dumas
Playing: Half-Life 2
Well, Indy is mine now. And right away, you know what the guy did? Bit me hard enough to bruise me--twice! I'm not even sure how it happened. I was taking him to his cage and bam! It really hurt my feelings--I thought we were buddies. Suddenly I understood my sister and brother-in-law's problems, I understand why they gave up. Indy was always hurting their feelings. Indy is an eternal problem child. He'll never grow up. He'll always be three years old.
Suddenly, I'm really, really afraid.
If I were very honest, I would say that I fought for the bird--not because I wanted to keep him, but because I wanted to keep the status quo. I wanted everything and everyone to stay together. I never actually visualized him as mine, always as theirs. Now I will have him for thirty more years--and suddenly the realization that I have got to keep this bird under control, I've got to keep him mentally stimulated, I've got to take care of him (and he's very needy)... I've adopted a baby, a mercurial, temper-tantrum-throwing baby who I can't quite punish, who I can't quite control. It's very daunting.
And what will happen when there's no longer the "mean old guard" to make me look like the "nice aunt"? Man, I'll turn into the old guard and he'll chew the whey out of me any time he likes! And there's very little I can do to him for doing that. I can take it, but... WHY? I do love him when he's lovable, I love it when he snuggles with me and when he talks to me in his conure gibberish. I don't mind cleaning cages. But I don't think it's that much to demand that I'm treated with respect. All of my other animals treat me with respect. Indy demands it--but he doesn't give it.
To be very honest, I much prefer the gentle, quiet company of my parakeet! My parakeet doesn't demand this much of me! She likes being with me just to be with me, and when she plays, she's gentle. As for Indy, he takes and takes and he can take forever. He can't help it, that's the way he is. In the wild he'd have a massive flock, he'd fly for miles, he'd forage and be a little rapscallion and fight with other birds all day long and make all sorts of noise and he'd be happy. He'd be full of energy and vivacity and there would be places and birds to spend that energy ON.
I'm realizing what a mess this has made of everything! Do conures belong in captivity at all?! Oh, I should have been more honest with myself. I shouldn't have let my emotions take the reins. Sometimes giving up an animal isn't WRONG, sometimes it's admitting that you were wrong to begin with and the animal would be happier elsewhere. And yet I can't completely admit that because I don't think Indy WOULD be happier elsewhere. I think he wants to be with us. How much of this is a personal problem?
This, combined with the state of my finances (which today went horribly, horribly wrong), my pets in general, and my social life, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control all of a sudden--no, like I've been spiraling out of control for a really long time and I just realized it. I'm wondering if I made the right decision. I'm wondering if I'm doing Indy any favors, or if he'd much rather have a friend who he can hang out and play with all day long.
I want to simplify, I want to simplify right now, I don't want to be in debt to everyone and everything in every single conceivable way. I feel like I'm signing away huge pieces of myself.
This wasn't at all what I thought would happen.
I need a hug. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I have any control of my own life.